The Latin Grammys . . . urrrggh

Didja see the Latin Grammys last night? Could it have possibly been any worse?

From the opening monologue (it was more like a disjointed harrangue) where George Lopez invited Pres. Bush to 'Beseme Culo' ('Kiss my ass') through the noisey, messy Santana/Los Lonely Boys jam to the last unclaimed award -- it was, in the words of my old pal Robert Rivera, 'Simply Dreadful.'

Hilarious: the opening number from Jessica Simpson and David Bisbal! Oh My God! He was so over the top with his attempt to make love to her as they sang . . . actually humping her leg like a worrisome chihahua at one point. Poor Jessica -- Why in the world was she there? Did I miss something? Is she 'Latin?' -- Poor Jessica kept trying to look interested but her eyes kept saying 'What the hell is this?!'

There seemed to be an organized effort to emphasize the stupidest parts of the Hispanic stereotype. I mean, how many simulated sex scenes can you weave into a dance number anyway? All the men were just too horney to hardly even be on the stage and if I saw one more nearly naked Latina with a wet pussy I'd have had to put a bag over my head.

Finally, I think I saw a first last night. During Paulina Rubio's crappy Britney Spears inspired 'Perros' ('Dogs'), ten shirtless male dancers did what dogs do all over the stage. I have never seen so much humping at one time. It was a correographed gang bang. Anyway, there was this one dancer who came up to Paulina to thrust his hips back and forth at her thigh who either had a BIG hardon or a pair of knee socks stuffed down his pants! I mean, that thing was sticking straight out like some kind of battering ram. And he looked so pleased with himself, too! Prime time erections . . . what next?

The saddest moment was the 'tribute' to Celia Cruz. What was it? Seven sentences and one photo? This lady made 70 albums in her life and that's the best we can do? It was like watching the other Grammys and having the host say, 'Oh, by the way, Barbra Streisand died some time last year . . . and now, here's Justin Timberlake doing his hip-hop version of the classic, 'Louie Louie.' Way too sad.

The only remotely good thing about the evening was the introduction of newcomer Maria Rita. She was one of the big winners for her Bosa Nova debut CD. Very classy. And humble. And Elegant. And she sounds great, too.

Conspicuously absent: Marc Anthony, Los Lobos, Ricky Martin, Shakira and on and on. Where the heck were they? Boycotting the crap fest? And where was Mariachi? The closest we got to anything that authentic was George Lopez's horse top entrance in full Mariachi regalia.

This whole thing was jus too sad . . . just too sad.