R U Hispanic?

I've decided to be Hispanic. You know: on those forms you occasionally have to fill out that ask if you are any of a half dozen 'ethnic' groups, or if you're just plain 'White' (whatever that means).
For 54 years (today's my birthday!), I've dutifully put my X in the box next to 'White.' My people came to the new world from Holland in 1620 and I have that horrible Northern European skin that burns in the sun and becomes blotched with spots as you grow older (Poor Robert Redford).

But from now on, I'm Hispanic. I'm a Latin Lover, Baby!

I've always wondered about what that means: Hispanic. I know what I picture when I hear the word: beautiful pale brown skin, smoothe like chocolate, soft like a chamois; dark hair that picks up the light and shines; dark eyes that flash with subtle color; a Spanish surname; and a link to Spanish language somewhere . . .

And then there are the issues of fashion: men with moustaches, fleshy women in too tight dresses, leaf blowers, spatulas or vaccuum cleaners to accessorize any outfit. But race is certainly not a matter of fashion, so I can't consider these things in my decision.

In the gay bars, 'Hispanic' usually means larger than average wee-nee, probably uncircumsized. One of the Bars in my neighborhood has Latin night which is universally known as 'Club Foreskin.' There's also the gay stereotype of Hispanic. It says that Hispanic men will put it in anything soft, wet and warm. They're just plain horney. So much so that even the straight ones will often mess around with a little encouragement. The few who actually freak out after such an encounter and wonder who they really are are said to have 'His Panic.' But, again, we're talking about fashion and behavior here . . . hardly definitions of a race.

Despite the picture I get when I hear the word, I know many 'Hispanics' who do not fit the mould. It brings up the whole question of race: what is it? who's what?

Race seems to have something to do with physical characteristics. A racial group usually shares some physical trait that is fairly unique to them: Asians have special eyes; so do Native Americans and Eskimos -- but they have other traits that separate them from 'Asian,' don't they? Black people have dark skin and eyes and certain facial characteristics. They also have dense muscules. I learned in Drown Proofing class that about half of the Black people in the world have difficulty learning the technique. They tend not to float -- which is essential. Their muscles are too heavy and they sink. White people float like corks.

Hispanic can be almost anything: I know dark people who say they are Hispanic. I know fair green eyed people, like me, who are Hispanic. In Mexico I see lots of small Hispanic people with classic Mayan hook noses (How come Mayan is not a race? They do have distinct physical characteristics.) So what makes them Hispanic? It can't be the skin: they're all over the place. It's not facial: they can look like anyone. Not the hair, not the number of fingers or toes . . . what is the defining characteristic that marks one as 'Hispanic?' I think we're left with things Spanish: a Spanish surname and some kind of connection with Spanish language.

And my point is: language and last names are hardly good definitions of race. I know 'Hispanics' who have never spoken Spanish; neither have their parents or grandparents. I know 'Hispanics' whose ancestors married 'white' people like me and now are Schmidts and Van Dunns.

If that's how we define it, then any woman who marries a man named 'Gonzolez' becomes Hispanic, right? When I finally become fluent in Spanish, i'll be Hispanic, right?

What about my guy, Bob? He's Hispanic -- or so he says. His forefathers on both sides came across the Rio Grande into Texas. On his father's side, they resembled the classic Hispanic, with the darker skin, hair and eyes typical of their Mayan and Spanish ancestors. On Mama's side, they were very Eurpoean: fair, even blonde, with green eyes. Somewhere in the past, Bob's Grandmother married an Arab man who adopted Bob's father and gave him his name -- which is Arabian. Suddenly, with his Arabic surname, Bob looks like an Arab to most of the world. He gets the random search at the airport every time we fly anywhere.

Nonsense! You declare. You can find exceptions to every racial rule in every racial group! That doesn't negate the validity of claiming a particular race!

So, what you're saying is that the people on Bob's mother's side who are fair skinned, green eyed folk whose roots can be traced back to Mexico, who all speak Spanish and have a Spanish surname -- that these people aren't really Hispanic: they're 'White?' If that's the case, there's certainly going to be a lot of freaked out Garcias and Espinozas in the world tonight.

No, I didn't think so: they are Hispanic. And if they are, so am I. I'm learning Spanich (have been for most of my life . . . I'm a slow learner, I guess), I look just like Bob's mom -- more like her than he does, and we all know how my own Spanish surname could have been obliterated through marriage. Besides, I often have a moustache, I know how to cook and operate a leaf blower. (And, of course, I have an 11 Inch weiner, fat like a Coke can, with gobs of foreskin literally dripping off it). It's obvious: I'm Hispanic.

Now, could somebody please get up and make me a mess o Chilaquiles for breakfast? Gracias!

(By the way: the Fleeing Illegal Family sign is for real. You seen them on the 5 Freeway as it passes through Camp Pendleton, north of San Diego. Of course, this has nothing to do with being Hispanic, except that some of the Hispanics in my part of the world are Illegal Aliens. Bob's Uncle just discovered that he's one. He's in his sixties and has lived stateside his entire life. He's married and has a flock of kids, has worked and paid taxes and done all of those things. He also has green eyes, fair skin and brown/grey hair. Recently he learned that he was actually born in Mexico and is therefore Illegal. He's currently interviewing families to join in dashing across the freeway around Camp Pendleton.)

Comments

[Robin]

Happy Birthday, amigo! THanks for a great blog.

[Latino]

Great. I think I'll be white the next census and then black the next hey, I'll start learning Chinese and then I can be Asian the following year.

[Maribel]

The Spanish blood that Mexicans have are I think from the Southern (Andalucian) Spaniards. They look similar, except the Spaniards are fair. If you see a white looking mexican, it's because they have more European blood. That's what I am.