You Pervert!

Dear Jazz,

First off, I have to admit I've become a fan of yours.  I drop by and read your blogs on a regular basis and have been doing so for roughly eight months.  I usually get a chuckle and often something to think about.  However, I've noticed lately that you spend a lot of time writing about cock, dick, weiners and fucking.  I know you're very cool and hip, but at times you sound like a typical flamboyant and trashy homosexual.  Why do you spend so much time and energy writing about sex, specifically, homo-sex?  Life is short and that's really a minor component of the overall experience, isn't it?

Signed

-- Ingrid

Dear Ingrid,

Thanks for taking the time to write.  And I appreciate your concerns about the emphasis I give to the carnal in these tomes.   To your questions, though, I have a single word response:  FOOL! 

Who are you trying to kid?  You're certainly not that naive!  Strip the sexuality from Human Beings and what do you have?  Pond Slime?  Granite?  Space Dust?  To say that sex is just a minor component in the human experience is like suggesting that breathing is an unimportant physical activity.  Sex is who we are, sweetheart.  It underlies everything we think and do -- although we often hide that fact even from ourselves.  We are conceived in sex, grow in sex, mature in sex, celebrate in sex, reproduce in sex, and, if not for modern medicine and the advent of the 20th century hospital, many more of us would probably die having sex.  Instead, most of us live beyond our ability to enjoy sex, which is tragic . . . I mean, have you seen those people???

Sex keeps us young, sex keeps us healthy, sex keeps us vibrant and alive.  Without sex we are the dried seed pods of humanity, meaninglessly tossed by the wind from place to place on this dusty earth. Even those among us who espouse the virtues of chastity:  Priests, Jim Bakker, Britney Spears, even these paragons of virginal virtue have demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt that sex, however clandestine, is just as important to them as to the rest of us. 

The human animal from brain to butt-hole is designed and assembled almost entirely for participation in a variety of sex acts.  Sex causes the brain to excrete chemicals that are beneficial to every aspect of our internal environment.  Sex is excellent exercise and can keep an old heart young.  Sex is the very reason we do 90% of what we do, day in and day out. 

What is teaching, but flirting?  What is salesmanship, but seduction. How do we make our voices heard in a crowd, if not through creating a sexy persona to carry our message. 

We love James Bond not because he's a great spy, but because he's sooo sexy.  We voted for Bill Clinton not because he was smart or right or any of that crap.  It was because he was so hot and we all wanted to do what Monica got to do with him.  In a truthful world, he'd have rewritten that Fleetwood Mac song that was his theme:  'Don't! Stop! Thinkin' about my weiner!  Don't! Stop! Someday it might be yours!'

On the other hand, we impeached Nixon because the thought of him naked was so revolting. 

I saw a picture yesterday of Tony Blair with Condoleezza Rice.  She was perfect and non-descript in her elegant but plain brown business suit, hands clasped in front of her, head leaning forward a bit and goofy grin on her face.  He, on the other hand stood there, legs spread, sholders back, chest out, confident smile on his face and a far-off intense vision in his eyes.  The first thing I thought was, 'Damn!  Is he sexy or what?'  The second thing I thought was, 'And look what a dweeb Condoleezza is!'

What did Jimmy Carter, that lustful specimen of virility, do in the Mid-East but get Sadat and Begin to quit looking at each other like sexual rivals and start imagining the possibilities if they got together?  What was the collapse of communism and the destruction of the Berlin Wall but one great big group grope?  Why are there so many Chinese?

We practice good oral hygene because yellow, rotten or missing teeth are such an immediate turnoff:  not sexy.  We don't pass gas at the table during formal dinners because appearing to be that crude is the kiss of death to sex. 

Couples get married everyday so that they can sleep together and have abundant sex whenever they want.  They get divorced to return to sexual circulation thus ending the sexual starvation they have married into. 

Sex appeal is the single most important factor in choosing one job candidate over another.  You can read about it in Personnel Magazine, uh-huh. 

We circumsize our boys because we're afraid they'll enjoy sex too much and thus become distracted from the responsibilities of life.  We leave our boys uncircumsized because we love them and want them to have wonderful, explosive sexual experiences. 

Ingrid, how often do you think sexy thoughts?  How often do you imagine nakedness, touching, romance, and similar titilations?  The old saw is that men think about sex one way or another every six seconds.  That seems like an exaggeration to me, but what if we think about it once a minute?  Or once every five minutes?  Or even four times an hour?  That would still make sex the most frequently held thought in the average man's lifetime.  And there's a reason for that:  in our heart and core, we are SEX MACHINES.  We're supposed to have sex, to reproduce, to couple and do the down and dirty.  When Adam and Eve were laying dormant in the dust of Eden (the idea that God created Adam first and came up with Eve only when he saw that Adam was lonely -- or horney -- is absurd;  he did them at the same time) God thought: 'Now how can I get these silly creatures to do the one thing I've built them to do (have sex, reproduce, become self-replicating)?  Hmmmm . . . I know!  I'll make it the single most pleasurable activity in human existence!'  God was no fool;  he knew if it felt good, we would do it.

Why do weiners show up so frequently in these Blogs?  Because they are incredibly fascinating and they define the human male experience.  Unlike women who are all about mystery, secrets and dark truth, men are about striving and driving, conquest and domination.  That's why the luscious woman's organ is hidden from view (it's an innie) and man's wonderful willy is right there in your face (an outie)!  I've never known anybody who wasn't at least a little interested -- if secretly -- in the endless variety of shapes, sizes, colors, functions and exploits of the male wee-nee.  Despite what we say out loud, we hold the largest ones in great esteem.  Even the straightest of men notice the guys they pass on the sidewalk who have prominent bulges in their pants.  'Whoa!' they think, 'I bet he's got a big old hunk of beef down there!' 

Women speak metaphorically about the male organ all the time.  They say what attracts them to a man is 'his eyes,' or , 'his smile', or 'his sense of humor', all of which are metaphors for 'his big old hose. '  Even the more honest of the breed will admit that what attracted them to their mate was the size and weight of his wallet -- another way of saying his connical, pendulus change purse. 

Speaking in code is not the exclusive territory of women.  Men sometimes do it too.  In the words of that brilliant 20th Century poet and philosopher, Martin Mull, 'And now he's lightin' incense and drawin' up their charts, and now he's talkin' nonsense about their two hearts; This little lady, she's got average smarts, she knows he's talkin' about hearts . . . but he means other parts.' *

If I have a talent that's a little unusual in this turn on the great wheel of life, it's the willingness to voice what everyone is secretly thinking.  A large degree of my success in business comes from that single skill.  People say, 'Oh! You're so perceptive!' which is another way of saying, 'I bet you tear it up in bed.'  Or they say, 'Boy, you cut right to the heart of the matter, don't you?' which is another way of saying, 'I wish you'd cram that big uncut schlong of yours so far up in me I choke!'  That's why dick is such a prominent feature of this Blog thing:  it's what everybody's thinking about -- which nobody wants to admit. 

So, Ingrid: please understand that when you react in horror or revulsion to the sexuality of these or any other posts, when you become judgemental and damning of playful sexual banter, you're probably just seeing the world through the dull grey glasses your Mom, Dad and school strapped to your head in an attempt to tame you.  I say, 'Be Free, Ingrid!'  Shed those restrictive glasses!  Be who you are!  Let your mind go where it will, girl!  You'll live longer and have a much better time!

Bless YOu!

--Jazz