And The Band Played On

So, I didn't check out in the afternoon and go do the seemy underbelly of San Francisco.  Instead, I stayed in the Hotel and went to a couple of the cocktail parties folks were throwing.  Ended up with a gun group that started swapping dirty jokes that had me laughing so hard that my angst sorta evaporated.

I was on stage this morning and had worried a little about my energy level given my funk . . . but after last night, I was just fine. 

I spent a couple of hours this afternoon with the President of my company -- a guy I have the utmost respect and admiration for.  We ditched the jackets and headed out for a walk around Union Square and neighboring blocks and a visit to Nordstroms where he bought a bow tie for tonight's formal banquet. 

He shed a little reality light on my situation and I am greatly reassured.  We talked business and opportunities and whys and why nots and then he took the conversation to a more personal place.  Basically he coached me.  Convinced me that well, Acres of Diamonds is for real.  He's concerned that I'm so obsessed with not missing the boat that I'll jump at the first deal that comes my way -- and it may not be the best.  He insists the opportunities are as many and as varied as there are stars in the heavens. 

Like all good coaching sessions, this one had my mind going in directions it hadn't explored before.  I now have a different point of view and plan of action.  Instead of worrying that I'll be passed by and miss my chance, I'm going to identify the chance I want to take and propose it.  I look back at my funk and see that I was really letting myself become a victim.  And I'm not a victim.  I'm a hero.

I'm not a victim.  I'm a hero.  I think we all struggle with victimhood from time to time.  There are just too many societal perks for victims.  We're trained from early on that to bear suffering, especially senseless suffering is a virtue.  Jesus suffered on the cross and look, so am I.  My mother was a martyr to her own motherhood.  She was Mother Martyr.  My Dad was a victim of his bosses who didn't recognize or value his talents.  My brother drank his marriage into the toilet and now insists on living a lonely and pained existence (courtesy of God and a 12 step program).  He is a victim of his own victimization. 

And I slip into it from time to time.

But generally, I'm just one of those wonderfully lucky people.  Usually, if I really want something I get it.  And not by working hard or pushing.  If I really want something it usually just comes to me.  Especially if I write it down.  I can't tell you how many times I've come across that note that I wrote myself outlining what I wanted to happen in the next several years . . . only to realize that everything on the list has come to pass.  I get into touble when I pursue someone else's vision of what I'm supposed to want.  I find myself pressing, obsessing, trying too hard to make it happen.  And I end up frustrated and usually unsuccessful.  If I could just learn to relax and go where I lead myself . . . oh, and keep writing stuff down . . . I can have anything I want. 

It's always best to ride your horse in the direction it's going.

Really.